4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
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WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
🐕🍷
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans