4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My wedding will be open casket.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need