United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
we’re gonna need another temp
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.