4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
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Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic