4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
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[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*