4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
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Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.