@robdelaney: 4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
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@BromanConsul: cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now
@djdarrellripley: Me: Come to my party. I'm making my "secret special punch." Her: You mean vodka & food coloring? Me: Who told you my secret?!?
@murrman5: did your friends rob that bank? "I'll never talk" I forgot that you're prejudice against robbers "what?!? some of my best friends rob banks"
@crylenol: *pops out of casket at funeral* ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say