4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.