4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’