4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
For the ones in the back.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I love you…
…r dog.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Did…did a minotaur write this
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.