4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Thursday Thought.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]