4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
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The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
The little toadstool has spoken.