4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
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“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!