4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
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ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”