4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
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The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
.. do you even science?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.