My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Canadian owl: Eh?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today