Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
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i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
sensitive skin
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics