Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
6: are snakes just neck?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?