4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
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“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
*me flirting
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her