I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
the council will decide your fate
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.