Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.