43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
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The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd