[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
It be like that sometimes 😆
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight