4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
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6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
fired
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.