Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
#ParentingFacts
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*