I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
This kid is a star!
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh