@WhosTheresa: I could've had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.

@squirrel74wkgn: [at the club] *crawling around on the floor* HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

@Vodkantots: Did you know that you can get kicked out of a gym for using a laser to point out areas people should work on? Well, you can.

@dave_cactus: Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

@TheDjinnTrials: Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you'd be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don't need to call the police.