@thetigersez: Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

@LizHackett: Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

@OfficialMizGin: Annoying guy trying to hit on me: This is like a scene from a romantic movie. Me: Yeah, I’m the iceberg and you’re the Titanic. #Queen

@trevso_electric: Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

@TheSharona06: At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item Cashier: Are these good? Me: No. I'm buying all of them just to save others from suffering