4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
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Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.