4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Happens to everyone.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.