YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.