Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!