4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.