5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Canadian owl: Eh?
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes