5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.