5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
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Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator