5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
😂😂
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.