Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
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To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Time heals everything 🙂
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
never compromise your values
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.