[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
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I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
That earthquake could have been an email.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.