5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more