[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
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[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.