5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.