5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.