me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Morning my dudes.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.