Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
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I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.