5 ways to appear taller
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Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Finally!
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.