5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!