5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy