5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.