5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
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JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
wow
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?