5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
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If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
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In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please