5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
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Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.