5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
You Might Also Like
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way