5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I know this now 😂
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?